I’m in love and its wonderfully tragic.
Ever since I saw Billy Crystal run to find Meg Ryan on the eve of New Years to proclaim his undying affection for his best friend I’ve dreamed of such a moment happening; Friends first, lovers second, soul mates till death do us part. What a beautiful Hollywood love story….
Imagine my surprise when I discovered I’m the only one that fell. “But we’re friends?” “He confides his deepest secrets to me?” “We know each other like the back of our hands.” “The sex was great” “What did I get wrong?”
Actually, there’s nothing that’s wrong. This is just reality. There is love there. There’s just many ways to love someone besides “the love”. So what’s a poor unfortunate soul to do?Turns out there’s plenty and it starts with admitting you’ve fallen in the first place.
- ACKNOWLEDGE THE LOVE THAT IS THERE AND THE LOVE THAT ISN’T
Like any good addict, you first have to come to terms with the fact this has happened and there is a pink elephant in the room. Say it out loud (or write it out in a blog) if you must but admit you’re in love. How do you know if its love, I mean “the love”? Well, that’s a whole other article but lets just assume you know yourself and the difference between when you’re infatuated and when you’re IN love and go from there.
This is a hard one but also recognize that there are many types of ways we love and he may, in his own way, love you in return. This love is just not the one you’re looking for. My love genuinely cares about me, thinks I’m smart, sexy and funny and is grateful I’m in his life. Does he want me in his life “for better or worse”? *breathe* No. In some ways this feels worse than if he was an abusive, drunken cheat. The affection is there, the commitment to take it further is not. THIS is a very important reality to face and the road to overcome this will be a long one BUT you can’t begin to heal until you stand up and say,
“Hi I’m Bevin and I’m in love with someone that doesn’t feel the same. Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.”
2) LET GO OF THE NOTION THAT HE WILL CHANGE HIS MIND
This is a very deadly web to get yourself caught in and chances are you’ve already fantasized about this. “Perhaps one day he’ll wake up and run to me like Billy Crystal? We’re human and feelings change, right?”
Seriously, don’t do that to yourself. Is there a chance? There’s always a chance for anything BUT most people will tell you, from experience, that the statistics of a Harry running into a ballroom after 10 years of friendship and saying he loves you is really rare AND a waste of time to wait. Don’t get me wrong, I want that, oh god do I want that to happen. A year has gone by since I started waiting and nothing has changed. Meanwhile I could’ve open my sights to someone new and actually acknowledge the men that have approached me seeking more than friendship and given them a shot.
We, as humans need to keep evolving. Can you do that sitting on the side lines waiting for him to come tag you into the game of life? No! Keep going!!!!
3) GET BUSY
No, not that!
….yet ; )
Engross yourself in work/activities that make you happy and motivated. Start a new project at work, finish that scrape book you started last month, take a Pilates class, check out the new DC Batman and see if its better than the new 52, write a blog ( is there an echo in here?) You are more than just this love. Validate your right to be on this planet AND to be happy. If a man is the only thing keeping you waking up in the morning….you’ve got bigger problems. Our work, our hobbies, our boxes of mac and cheese are the little things that make life intricate and worth while as well. Let them help you as you begin to move forward.
If you can, take a little break from the norm. Engulf yourself in a different environment to recharge. I took a trip to Ireland and it was just what the doctor ordered. First off, its NOTHING like New York City. I wasn’t surrounded by concrete, skyscrapers, taxi’s and places we used to hang out for tea but hills of green, sheep, brown bread and and a lot of Jameson. It felt like stepping into a different galaxy far far away (side note, where Luke was hiding in Force Awakens was filmed in the Dingle Peninsula where I stayed! *Squeal*)
Traveling is good for the soul in general. Be open to learn new customs and talk to new locals (that whole evolution thing remember?). This helps with the next step which is to…
If you’re in the same circle of friends with the “one” go make new ones. I mean, don’t throw out the old ones but if you’re going to be constantly reminded of him (and its too painful) for the moment, create a new atmosphere. Traveling helps with this because you’re around people that have no idea of who he is or what he does or how he effects you. Friends of new and old can fill the void of companionship you’re missing for the time being.
Speaking of those friends.
6) NUTURE THE RELATIONSHIPS YOU ALREADY HAVE
Don’t forget that actually helping others helps you as well. Find the family members and friendships that are solid and invest more time in them. Are they going through anything? Can you help them with a project? How about taking a trip with them? They love you and will gladly be that someone to lean on, just don’t drive them to drink ; )
I have one friend that actually misses her social life. She’s married with two kids now and she LOVES them BUT there is a serious lack of social life for her right now. So, she came to Ireland with me. It was the first time she was away from her family. She both loved and hated it. She also needed a time to recharge, take some time for herself. The trip was good for her and for me but for completely different reasons. Lest we not forget that misery loves company and loves a chance to heal. Heal together.
7) RECOGNIZE YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE
I confess this is probably the hardest part for me. Of course I believe in love and everyone is worthy of it….Putting it into practice is the tough part. Counseling others on how to achieve it also cannot be a generic overcoat.
What I can say is that, this will have to come from you and NOT from an outside source. Not from your family, not from your friends, and especially not from a new lover. My grandmother always said, “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.” I’ve always thought this analogy meant that you have to let go of pride in order to get nourishment. However, I believe now it actually means you must decide whether to live or die. “Do or do not, there is no try!” We cannot control who will love us but we can control how WE love ourselves. Until you believe it, “that is why you fail”(alright I’m done with the Yoda quotes now promise)
8) LET SOMEONE LOVE YOU
This is tricky because I mean love here NOT lust.
Yes someone flirting with you, finding you attractive and willing to bed you is a nice ego boost…in the short term format. Rebounds are one of the most toxic ways to get over someone because it NEVER works. “But wait, I know of this one girl who ‘rebounded’ with this one guy and they fell in love and got married!” Were you watching 27 Dresses? “Nuh uh! It was a friend of a friend!” ok…
First off what is the definition of a rebound?
bounce back through the air after hitting a hard surface or object:
There. If we’re just going on the regular term, you’re flying through the air after hitting a hard surface without any certainty of how you’re going to land once you come back down….which is usually just another really hard surface. Meaning you get a temporary high before the crash; A spur of the moment, pick me up (that usually involves alcohol) that validates you’ve still got game. New flash, your heart is still broken in the morning. I’ve actually cried while doing my walk of shame the next morning…twice! My soul felt tainted and dirty. Like I had crawled out of bed of garbage and it would take forever to wash the smell of stupidity off my body.
Thing is, recognize when getting involved with someone is a rebound or not. Meaning that if you’ve mentally and emotionally healed yourself to a point where you no longer think “I bet if he sees this guy, he’ll get jealous/ Well at least this guy thinks I’m pretty/ Alright, I mean might as well take what I can get/ “Maybe if I just fuck I’ll feel better?” Then you’re ready. Until then, sorry, its a rebound.
I’m always a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Sometimes its hard to see the reasoning behind why people come and go. One thing is certain; there’s always something to be gained by every interaction. Something to be learned. Finding the blessing within something that feels cursed will help you overcome your grief of unrequited “true love”. Then you will have peace. Then you can live…and to live would be an awfully big adventure.